Pete and Stephanie both brought up a very valid question: do I want to stay in China?

I would be lying if I said I really wanted to leave the country, because that's why I came here to experience. I wanted to learn the language more than anything, and I wanted to see this city in the wintertime and apend the Chinese New Year here, and take my winter break and travel a little bit.

However, this whole situation has reached the point that I'm basically a mess. I spent the better part of the last two days in tears. What it comes down to is that since I got here, I haven't had a place that was really mine. I moved over 7,000 miles from home three weeks ago. What I needed was a place that I could unpack my belongings, decorate with pictures from home and things to confort me when I was feeling homesick... somewhere that was mine. What I got was a hotel room. About as opposite as it could be. I was incredibly excited on Friday to move, and when I did it was an enormous letdown. I am emotionally drained and I still have no place to go to make myself feel at home. I don't think I have it in me to find another job and go through another moving process without going completely crazy. I've already driven my parents phone bill into the stratosphere having them talk some sanity back into me. If I thought I could do it I would consider it but I am physically and mentally exhausted. I like to think I'm usually a very go with the flow, que sera sera type, at least when living in China, but this one has gone too far for me.

I tried to make it work. It didn't, and I just have to get past it and realize its not a failure on my part. That's the hardest part right now, is feeling like I failed miserably. Part of me knows its not true, but the mentally exhausted part of me is like 'fail' and that kinda sucks when I get tired. Also, not having a plan... that's not something I've ever dealt with before. I always kinda knew what I was going to do. First time for everything.